August 23rd, 2005

Pluto close up

Hmm, this is unexpected...

I find myself going through something that is akin to loneliness, and I haven't the slightest idea why I am going through such feelings. I mean, honestly, I WANTED to get the hell out of that house again, I WANTED to come back to school, I WANTED to be where I am, I didn't want to be there anymore, and, while I'm quite the happy for not being stuck there anymore, I can't help but wonder why I'm still feeling like I almost kinda, sorta, in some vague and strange way, want to be there. It makes no sense, I'm aware of this, and it probably shouldn't make any sense, that's more than likely the point. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I didn't do ANYTHING all summer long. Seriously, I didn't go out at all. Not that it's something that I do on a frequent basis (the going out), but at least when I went home for the other summers I spent some time with girltype, and, while we did spend a little time together, it wasn't really 'scheduled,' so we didn't do anything that we usually do. We didn't sit around and ramble, or watch videos, mine and hers, and just talk about stupid shit like we usually do, and I'm kinda bummed about it. The bigger part is probably because of my grandma. She's never cried before, when I left, but this time she didn't 'cry,' but she looked like she was going to, and that made me feel like shit. Seriously, I felt like crap making the most important woman in my life cry, so I feel some guilt over that, and it isn't eased by the money that she gave me, if anything, it's intensified. I get this feeling like she knows something that I don't know... and I don't want to think that, because the feelings that I go through when I think about that are not the things that I want to think about. Yes, I'll have to deal with them in time, but I don't want to do it right now. Hell, I don't want to do it at any time.

Another problem that I'm having is that I'm still having a hard time getting to sleep, even though I'm here instead of there with the lousy drunkard. I understand why I'm anxious, because yesterday and today were the first two days of school for me, and since I'm in college it means that I had all my classes within those two days, so I was nervous about them, who would be in the classes, who wouldn't be, that sort of thing. Hopefully, although I don't know if it will actually happen, now that I'm done with that whole thing I can sleep better, but I don't know. Even though I know there's nothing 'wrong' with me healthwise, it still makes me wonder, it does.

Today I saw something I had never seen before... my roommates, in any way, shape, or form, walking to school together. It was cute. I hope those two become friends, because a lot of times they're not really friends, they're just sort of there. That's how it's always been for me, so maybe I'm a tinge jealous, even though it's mostly my fault because I don't go out there and put myself out as this guy that people want to be friends with, since I'm an introverted hermit and whatnot, plus, with my odd tastes, I push people away. Not many a college male will want to befriend a Korean/Japanese pop listening, General Hospital/Gilmore Girls/Desperate Housewives watching, sports and drinking hating guy, and I fully understand that, and I certainly don't want to befriend the usual girls around here. Ironically, I've yet to find a super fine female around here. There are some pretty girls, no doubt, but none of them are banging. Again, not that anything would happen if there were banging people around, just an observation. Of course, there are the prerequisite males that are all toned, walking around shirtless with their smug 'I'm better looking than you' attitudes, but this is to be expected. At least my roommate isn't one of them, the one I share a bathroom with. I swear he looks extremely familiar, and I don't know why... I've only seen him, we've said hi to each other once, but that's it. So, I've managed to dodge the pretty boy for a roommate bullet again, but at times I wonder what it would be like to have them as roommates. Christopher is a pretty boy, and he's the best guy I've ever met in my life, so maybe I'm just stereotyping... and then I think about the other people I've met, at the dorms, here, when I was living in the apartment, and I realize that there are reasons why the stereotype exists, valid reasons... very valid reasons.

Aidan, the guy who lives across from me, he came over and was like 'I had something witty to write on your board, but you didn't have a dry erase marker for me to write with...' my message board on the door says 'Enter Witty Comment Here:' so, tomorrow, for Aidan, I shall go and purchase one of those clip things that I've seen, and some more markers, in case they are stolen. Paul, one of the RAs, who I do believe is having lots of fun with my old RA, asked me if I was okay, because I was sitting on the railing of my porch and just staring up into the vastness of space, and I, of course, gave some sarcastic remark about how I was contemplating life, he said that was something pretty hard to contemplate, and he's right... I bet he knew something else was going on, too, and there is... I like Paul. I mean, I don't really know him, but if Nichole is fond of him, then he can't be THAT bad, and she is quite fond of him. He seems nice enough, but I really don't do the whole talk to people about my feelings thing. It just isn't me. And yet, here I am, venting about it on the journal, to people whom, aside from a collective few, I've never met. I'm random, I know. Leave me be!
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