May 7th, 2004

Pluto close up

*sigh*

I hate having dreams that I can't even come close to attaining. You know, the usual... be a member of SM Town, be on General Hospital, be a writer... things that I REALLY want to do with my life but know that there is almost no way in hell that they will actually come true. It's not like I can sing (which puts #1 out of the running... even Hee Jun can sing), I can act... slightly, but I sure as hell don't look good enough to be on GH, plus I'm fat, and fat people on soaps is a big no no, only that one girl on One Life to Live manages to bypass that rule...

Plus, there's the writing thing, my passion, but even that I'm not very good at. Sure, I have people who say that I do well, and I actually think that compared to some people that I've read I can do all right, but in the end it's not like I'm going to be able to find any success.

I know that I"m going to end up working at some horrible job that I am going to hate, and I'll probably die alone because of my sheer inability to go out and be social in groups that are larger than a handful of people. I can be social in small groups, I really can, but I hate being in a large group and I absolutely LOATHE being the center of attention. I'm also not photogenic and pretty damned camera shy, which means that #2 just gets even further away. I don't know, though... I think I'M camera shy as a person, whereas I can avoid that feeling if I know that I'm doing something, if I'm acting. I really do think that the character I made for my story could make it on GH... I mean, they put characters that are hated by the fans on the show all the time, and they're still around...

see, stupid dreams. My dream mirror is filled to the brim, but someone needs to shatter it, and keep it shattered.

I've decided that Blackbeat is worth owning... I will buy their album. God, I'm so bad... I spend how much time hating on American Boybands... yet I fall in love with Korean boybands at the drop of a hat. Just give me a good song and I'm gone... horrible...
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